Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
