i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
