Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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