If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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