and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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