I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This house was built for laser tag.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
