but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I pour the whiskey from now on
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
