its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
