dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
