You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
