Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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