mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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