I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
