Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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