guys are not supposed to queef...right?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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