There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
