did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
