i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
