trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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