Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
