Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
