I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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