i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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