The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
