Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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