There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize