Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
