I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
