She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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