well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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