Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i think my cat just said my name.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
