HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
