Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
