do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
