he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
