You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
