Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
