Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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