careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
