well I can't set my house on fire every night
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize