i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
