The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You made out with two different species that night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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