I wish I could teleport
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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