Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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