you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
