um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
