how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
