Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
