If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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