so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
