my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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