My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
