Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
