The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
