Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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