lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
handjob tips. give me some.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
