When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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