An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
