it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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