u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Drunk is a universal language darling
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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