he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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